…..Accusations don’t know how to take them

I know that I am not alone that this pandemic has been a real struggle.

This year has not gone to plan.

I left my old job, where I had established support networks, people I loved and respected for pastures new, and exciting challenges.

My farewell from my old company was taken up helping set up anyone to work from home, in advance of the announcement from the Prime Minister that we should work from home if we could.

The build up to starting my new job had been a mad panic, feeling that I genuinely wasn’t going to be able to start the new role. I had my reassurances, and I made it to my new office just the one time before working from home became my everyday.

My relationship with working from home was established to the point where I felt I had my balance: The long and winding road…..

Starting a new job and then immediately working from home was something that I wasn’t prepared for, not for the length of time that we have been in. I had one person in the company that I knew and couldn’t have felt more isolated.

It was a struggle.

Then loads of my colleagues, including my line manager and the person I was scheduled to be inducting into the company working alongside, went on furlough.

I managed three weeks without caffeine before caving in, I really need it, and my good friend sugary food!

Meeting all your colleagues remotely, when you’ve never done it before and you believe you have it all sussed with face-to-face engagements, is not easy.

I always had a notebook open, and took it upon myself to reach out to as many people as I humanly could do to have one-on-one calls with. I had a whole introductory spiel that I had, and hoped to glean whatever information I could about my new colleagues.

This was a time of learning, I also had online training and everyday was new, so despite the destabilising situation going on globally I was taking on board so much new stuff and was super stimulated mentally!

Good things were happening outside of work, prior to lockdown I made my software test conference speaking debut: Listen to the sound from deep within…..

I had the privilege of giving that talk twice remotely.

The Testing Peers finally launched our podcast, our recording evenings have been weekly highlights.

The testers’ hangout setup by Lee Marshall has been a place of rest and support.

TestBash Home, Online Test Conference and DevTalks: Reimagined provided me with the opportunity to get just a little piece of the conference buzz that I was missing.

But it wasn’t the same.

And all the things that I look forward to in the year were being cancelled (quite rightly).
No in person conferences, no major sporting events to watch or attend, no holidays.

Work was all new, dizzying, and it was lonely.

 

The words of Sum41 came to mind and became more and more relevant to my everyday.

 

What’s the point of never knowing at all?

When every step I take is always too small.

Maybe it’s just something I can’t admit,

But lately I feel like I don’t give a shit.

Motivation such an aggravation

Accusations don’t know how to take them

Inspiration getting hard to fake it

Concentration never hard to break it

Situation never what you want it to be

What’s the point of never making mistakes

Self-indulgence’s such a hard habit to break

It’s all just a waste of time in the end

Don’t care, so why should I even pretend?

 

I wasn’t enjoying my new job and if I was asked how I was doing, it was always just that I am tired. It has to be said that it wasn’t anyone’s fault that I wasn’t enjoying my job, just that the pandemic changed everything and I clearly didn’t handle it as well as I wanted.

Before headcount reductions were announced, I had already decided that I wanted to move on and I am thankful that I have been able to find a new role that I will shortly be starting in August.

There are no guarantees that moving on to a new job will be any sort of fix, but I feel enthusiasm where that has been missing and sometimes hitting a reset is the right thing to do.

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Why am I telling you this?

• It’s important to recognise that this pandemic hasn’t been easy for so many of us
• Even the most positive people can be struggling
• Good things can happen even at the worst of times
• It is ok to accept that you are in the wrong place
• Community is so important for mental health
• Burnout is real and seeking accountability for even the smallest thing is important

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Blog post title lyrics from: Motivation – by Sum41.

Find all the songs from my blog posts at this Spotify playlist.